How to Work a Regular Job, Earn $0 from Passive Income and Ruminate on Your Life’s Purpose

It’s 6:04 a.m., and I reach over and pull my MacBook into my lap. I balance a steamy, bitter cup of Nespresso on a couch cushion as I squint at the bright light now emanating from the screen. The familiar red dots that adorn the right corners of my apps greet me, and I click on MacMail to read through the 34 emails that have come through overnight.

Most are ads from the countless times I’ve entered my email into sites to get 10% off on a gift for my friend’s baby shower or the chance to win a free 5-day vacation in the Mediterranean. One email, though, my customized daily digest from Medium, taunts me. It’s been taunting me. For the past couple of years, at least one post in this curated list has promised me the easy path to the side hustle of my dreams.

Step-by-Step Guide to Launching a $1,000/Month One-Person Business in Under 90 Days

5 Multi-Million-Dollar Businesses You Can Start NOW

10,000/Month on Gumroad (Detailed Guide)

Is it true? Could it be that my path to success and fulfillment is only a few posts, videos or ebooks away? It’s an enticing offer for someone who has felt confused about her career and calling all her life! I mean, I was the little girl fantasizing about her career — not her wedding. With Miranda Priestly as my muse, I dreamt of a career that utilizes all of my unique talents to create, problem-solve and organize. One that requires me to travel the world and wear blazers and be featured in magazine spreads. One that allows me to hustle on days when I feel focused and confident while also allowing me to take it easy on random Tuesday afternoons.

For a while, I thought I had found something pretty near my dream career in software engineering. After making a career transition and learning how to code, I was invigorated by the long hours of diving into the intricacies of JavaScript. I relished the idea of being a frontend expert and excelling in my career to one day be a senior software engineer or technical lead at a major product company. I felt proud to have learned a new skill that earned me a solid job with opportunities for growth, and for a while, I was content.

But, as most things in life, the shine wore off, and my contentment imminently faded. Working a nine-to-five, day in and day out, all in the hope of climbing the gilded rungs of a corporate ladder that leads to a moderately funded 401k by the ripe age of 75, just wasn’t enough. Why sit at a desk all day when you can travel the world, doing what you love, all while saving enough money to retire early and look good doing it?

According to the podcasts I listen to and the LinkedIn posts I consume, every twenty to thirty-something in America seems to be finding their niche and making money through glamorous side hustles.

I’ve spent many months trying to figure all of this out for myself. On a quest to find “my thing” during non-work hours, I’ve tried writing, illustrating and collage-making. In doing so, I’ve turned my non-work hours into work, perpetuating my burnout and reinforcing the voice inside of my head that tells me I’m not good enough (this is a whole other article, so stay tuned)!

I feel like I’m back at square one. How did I get so lost? Why can’t I figure out what “I’m supposed to do in life” like the rest of my peers? Why has inspiration not struck me like it has for the Etsy makers and TikTokers and freelancers? Why can’t I create anything I wouldn’t be totally mortified to share with the world (I’m looking at you, drawings of people with faces!)?

But after all of this strife, I’m finally coming to terms with the idea that my path to success might not be on the other side of a YouTube course or ebook. It definitely could be, but I can’t let the dream of getting rich quick or acquiring thousands of followers be the driving force.

No, I’m realizing that contentment can only be found when I’m at peace with who I am and not what I do or what I earn. It sounds simple, but in a world where you are only as good as the number of likes on your last post or the amount of sales for your previous Notion template, it’s not as easy as it looks. Even now, as I’m writing this, I’m struggling to find the balance between my intention to foster connection and promote vulnerability versus finally making more than $0.03 on Medium.

I close my laptop and take a deep breath. My living room is now filled with morning light, and I’m yet again surprised at how quickly the sun has transformed the space. I don’t know where I’ll be in five or ten years. I have no idea what my future holds or what paths I’ll take to get there. My goal is simple: stay in this tension and keep trying to figure it out. Because at the end of today, when the sun sets, and I’m back on this couch, I’ll be proud not of what I’ve made but of the discernment and endurance I’ve practiced and the wisdom I’ve gained.

The authors, influencers and developers who flood my inbox with their assurance and confidence are certainly admirable, but I’m choosing to be honest about where I’m at — nowhere near the beginning and a long way off from the end. I may not feel confident about my calling or career, but I’m embracing this long, slow journey of figuring it out.