My Imposter Syndrome Journey: From Art to Algorithms

Dear reader,

I don’t know where you currently stand in your career or life, but I hope my story of how I became a software engineer serves as a source of encouragement for you.

For most of my childhood, I considered myself an “artsy” kid — a “right-brained” girl. I excelled in reading, writing and spent my free time creating magazines and painting rocks. I was not, by any means, a “math or science person.” In fact, I received a B in my fifth grade science class, and that was it. The “failure” of that B haunted me for years, and I considered my fate sealed — a future involving any type of science was inconceivable.

Fast forward a few years, and I graduated with a BA in Art History from the University of Texas. Right on track. I joined a design team as an intern after college and honed my skills of critiquing artwork, contemplating the meaning behind various shades of blue and discussing bleed lines with local printers. I went on to manage that team in various capacities, but after a few years, I became, for a lack of a better word, bored. I watched with envy as my coworkers put on headphones every day and entered their own little worlds of making things. I wanted to make things. I wanted to make things besides schedules and meeting requests.

So I decided to leave. I’m not a risky person, so this decision did not come easily. Luckily I had mentors in my life who were willing to help me make the decision. One mentor, half in jest, suggested I enroll in a coding boot camp and follow in the footsteps of a former coworker who transitioned into a developer role. We had a good laugh about the idea of ME becoming a developer. Me, Molly, the girl who is known for not knowing how to work her iPhone… or any other device for that matter.

Yet, as I left his office, a seed of curiosity was planted. Could I, possibly, enjoy coding? The idea of putting on headphones and entering into my own little world of creativity and problem-solving was appealing.

So here’s what I did: I googled things like “coding for beginners” and started taking small courses on HTML and CSS. I spent a week or two devoted to just figuring out if I liked coding. I didn’t hate it, but I didn’t love it. I eventually decided to at least apply for a bootcamp. If I got in, then I would make my decision!

I got in, and panic settled in.

The following week was consumed by searches like “Do software developers have lives?” and “Must I love coding to be a software developer?” I was convinced that having a career as a developer would mean I had to be a hacker who worked in a dark basement filled with empty cans of Monster, rarely took showers, and stayed up until 2a.

I didn’t find helpful answers to those questions really, and to be honest, I started bootcamp with the fear that I wouldn’t enjoy coding. “What am I even doing?” is the question I kept asking myself. But as each day passed, I learned more and more, and I devoted myself to understanding the basics of Javascript. I wouldn’t say I had a revelation in bootcamp that I just loved software development. But I never had the opposite revelation, and so I kept going.

Post-boot camp, I tirelessly applied for jobs for three months. I was offered two jobs within the same week, and both engineering managers seemed eager to take me on. I couldn’t understand why… didn’t they know that I had essentially memorized all of the common algorithms without understanding them? Didn’t they know I copy and pasted snippets of most of my side projects from other people’s side projects? Didn’t they know I could still barely work my iPhone?? I felt like I had fooled them both. The joke was on them..

Nearly four years and two companies later, one of the managers who hired me remains my manager. Whether it’s a testament to my abilities or his blissful ignorance about my shortcomings, I’m unsure. Knowing how perceptive and wise he is, I’m betting it’s the former.

But that’s the thing — I’m just betting on it. I don’t feel confident that I have anything to offer as a software engineer. I am almost four years into my career, and I still feel like a fraud every day. Inadequacy lingers at the start, middle, and end of each day.

Doesn’t that sound exhausting? It is. It really is. So how do I cope? How do I continue to endure? How do I fight this feeling of being an imposter? More on that next week.